


...Oh boy

by anyay666



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, M/M, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker is Tony Stark's Biological Child, Peter is a Little Shit, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:22:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24373477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyay666/pseuds/anyay666
Summary: Sbeve: WhyPeter: She believedPeter: S(he) be(lie)ve(d)Bucky: s b e v eorSteve and Bucky meet the son of the man that they almost killed and have a mental break
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Peter Parker, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 54
Kudos: 300





	1. .............oh no

_ Peter added Tony Stark and Steve Rogers to the chat _ _   
_ _ Peter changed Tony Starks name to Tony _ _   
_ _ Peter changed Steve Rogers’ name to Steve _ _   
  
_

  
  


Peter: UwU

Tony: Oh no

  
Steve: Who’s Peter?

Peter: your worst nightmare

  
Steve: Oh?

Tony: Peter no

Peter: peter yes

Peter: im his son

Tony: He’s my kid

Steve: ...

Peter: you’d better dot dot dot u artifact

_ Steve added Bucky to the chat _

Bucky: ?

  
Peter: read up slut

Bucky: Aight

Bucky: ...

Peter: you’d better dot dot dot bitch

Tony: Pete stop picking fights with super soldiers

Peter: no

Tony: pls

Peter: No

Tony: sigh

  
Peter: O-O

  
Peter: ily

Tony: yeah

Peter: :(

  
Tony: ily2 kid

Peter: :D

Bucky: yOU HAVE A KID?

Tony: Not anymore

Peter: im shaking what does that mEAN

  
Tony: It means im going to kill you

  
Peter: oh yea?

  
Tony: yeah

  
Peter: what if i tell Pepper?

Tony: ...yes this my son

Peter: UwU

Steve: Why? 

  
Tony: Why is he my son?

Steve: Yes

  
Peter: Well, when two people 

  
Bucky: love each other very much

  
Peter: they fuck

  
Steve: …

_ Steve left the chat _

_ Peter added Steve to the chat _ _   
_ _ Peter changed Steves name to Sbeve _

Sbeve: Why

Peter: She believed

  
Peter: S(he) be(lie)ve(d)

Bucky: s b e v e

  
  



	2. Peter what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of talk of periods in this just a warning  
> but like  
> no ones on their period

Peter: Can you pick up some cough drops for me? My thrussy’s feeling a little hoarse :(

Peter: sHIT WRONG PEOPLLE SDUHO

Tony: aKHSJKA

Bucky: I’M

Peter: adjhshfkl

Tony: s,mdnzbhsmxz

Peter: shhhh

Peter: we do not speak of this

Sbeve: I’m—

Sbeve: uh okay sure

Sbeve: speak of what?

Bucky: i literally have no clue

Peter: look dude, my thrussy was feelin hoarse and i needed cough drops. thats all u need to knwo

Tony: I’M—

Peter: AND THEY GOTTA BE THE GOOD KIND

Bucky: like the luden's?

Bucky: they taste like candy

Sbeve: I don’t know The Good kind

Peter: HALLS BREEZERS COOL BERRY

Tony: oh those are good 

Peter: ye

Sbeve: I literally do not know cough drops

Peter: well thats good that means ur thrussy has never been sore

Sbeve: Man, lucky me

Peter: yessir

Peter: Anywhozelums

Bucky: you’re so weird   
Tony: DOnt insult my son

Sbeve: …   
Bucky: ...   
Bucky: forgot he was your kid for a hot sec

Sbeve: What Bucky said

Peter: HOW

Bucky: IDK BRO   
Tony: sigh

Peter: AJKdhakjdhKJHKJ 

Tony: Whats up kid?

Peter: So I’m in the restroom in the lobby and this woman started talking to me

Peter: And I was like wtf

Peter:  And then she asked if I was ronda

Peter: I’m like ma’am I’m not ronda

Peter: and she’s like   
Peter: “yes you are?”   
Peter: and so i was like ...ma’am i think i know my name

Peter: SO she was like   
Peter: well,,, give this to ronda

Peter: and handed me a box of laxatives and hemorrhoid cream

Tony: …. Holy shit   
Sbeve: Language.   
Bucky: wHAT THW FUUUUUUCKCNSJKH

Peter: ANYWAY   
Peter: MY POINT WAS   
Peter: Captain, whats ur address. I got a package for you

Sbeve: …   
Bucky: JAKHDHAk

Tony: sjkfhjjhdskjthkYHKFHS

Tony: thATS MY SON

Peter: UwU

Peter: If someone  dies  on their period. Do they keep bleeding?

Tony: I-

Tony: that is no longer my son! 

Sbeve: Huh?

Bucky: omg

Tony: uh

Bucky: umm

Sbeve: ....

Tony: Peter

Tony: wha-

Bucky: No

Bucky: Probably for a bit

Peter: it’s a valid question

Bucky: The blood soon freezes i guess

Bucky: or

Bucky: I don't know

Peter: Lmao it  _ freeze _

Sbeve: Maybe stops flowing

Sbeve: But

Sbeve: It probably continues for a short while

Sbeve: it would keep flowing but maybe after awhile it would stop

Bucky: And freeze

Peter: Blood does settle after death but idk if that applies to periods

Sbeve: Cause bodily processes stop without oxygen but theres already blood

Sbeve: because the blood lining the uterus would still flow out

Tony: it settles after a day

Tony: i think

Peter: Well lets find out :))

Tony: Peter what

Peter: You heard me

Bucky: How

Peter: ;)

Bucky: Die

Peter: Nope

Sbeve: Peter, are you murdering someone?

Peter: I was doing the dishes and that popped into my head

Tony: I'd say itd stop

Tony: But like idk

Tony: It'll stop making blood

Peter: “Peter are you murdering someone?”

Peter: ;))

Bucky: shower thoughts? nah. washing dishes thoughts? yeahhh

Tony: Peter no murdering

Peter: Hm

Bucky: Peter, washing dishes, gazing with a faraway look: Do you still bleed if you die when you're already losing so much blood.?

Sbeve: Listen to your dad

Peter: Ok no murder

Bucky: Good

Tony: don't murder or i will smite

Sbeve:. . .

Bucky: In secret?

Sbeve: Isn't all murder in secret?

Sbeve: at first?

Bucky: Tru

Peter: it will be forever if you're clever

Peter: fbi, putting me on their watch list rn: ahahaha what the frickkkk

Peter: i'm sure i was already on it though

Tony: Yeah, you are   
Peter: Ahahahahah what

Peter: Your skeleton is always wet. But dont worry, there will come a day where it no longer is

Tony: Peter what

Bucky: loving the ominous vibe

Sbeve: But what

Sbeve: What does he mean

Peter: what does he mean indeed

Bucky: oop

Tony: . . . Peter

Peter: Yes Dad? How can I help you?

Tony: . . .

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are all convos I had (I changed it a little tho)


	3. i look pretty good for a dead bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im alive!  
> enjoy :)

Tony: PETER WHAT DID YOU LEAVE ON MY DESK

Peter: a nice hot cup of coffee

Tony: it’s cold

Peter: a nice cup of coffee

Tony: it’s fucking awful

Peter: a cup of coffee

Tony: it most definitely is not coffee

Peter: cup

Tony: IT’S IN A BOWL

Peter:your point?

Bucky: waht the fuck?

Peter: DAD I HAVE A QUESTION

Peter: PM ME

Tony: hanogn busy give me 30minsute

Peter: I don’t want to know

Sbeve: What does PM stand for?

Peter: Post Man

Bucky: What?

Peter: There’s a little postman taking your messages from your phone to mine

Sbeve: Ah

Sbeve: You don’t have to tip him, do you?

Peter: no he’s paid a very generous wage

Sbeve: thank god

Bucky: akasdjhkwhkai

Bucky: peter?

Peter: ye? 

Bucky: You’re a delight

Peter: :))

  
  


**Pete → Dad**

Pete: SINCE WHEN DOES 30 MINUTES MEAN THREE HOURS YOU ARTIFACT

Dad: ok all good what u need

Pete: I have a question

Pete: I drank almond milk

Dad: ….ok

Pete: does it make you gay

Dad: WHAT

Dad: PETER

Dad: TEH FUCK

Pete: I accidentally bought almond milk and I drank it and then I read something that says it makes you gay

Dad: I-

Pete: because its nut mik

Dad: I really really want to make fun of you right now but no almond milk does not make you gay

Pete: ok nvm

Dad: have you caught gay disease????

Dad: Peter????

Dad: what prompted this??????

Pete: Nah it’s fine leave it

Pete: You want to talk about motorcycles and beer?

Dad: Pete

Dad: are you gay?

Pete: nope

Dad: bi?

Pete:bi?

Dad: you like both boys and girls

Pete: THATS A THING?

Pete: yeah im gonna do that

Dad: ... that was easy

Pete: :) 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it was short :/


	4. kinda short very late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Im going to start updating more i swear

Peter: Whats up sluts

Sbeve: Don't call your father a s***

Peter: he had knocked someone up and had me i can call him what i want

Bucky: kids got a point

Sbeve: Bucky!

Tony: kids got a point

Sbeve: Tony! Thats not good parenting

Tony: lol

Tony: im a lot better than i used to be

Bucky: lol

Sbeve: are you?

Peter: I will fite u artifact and ill fuking win

Sbeve: Im a super soldier?

Peter: You cannot kill me in a way that matters

Bucky: im shaking what does that mean   
  
**Pete → Dad**   
  


Pete: hi i love you

Dad: i love you too baby

Dad: but what brought this on?

Pete: Idk

Pete: I just remembered how much it sucked 

Pete: before

Dad: Aw petey 

Dad: Im sorry

Pete: its ok

Dad: Its not

Dad: Im sorry i put you through that sweetheart

Dad: You shouldn't have suffered because i wasn't ready to be a parent

Dad: I was scared of hurting you and because of that i hurt you anyways

Dad: Im so sorry 

Pete: Its not ok

Pete: but know

Pete: I forgive you

Pete: and now you’re the best so

Dad: Come here 

Pete: ?

Dad: You cant make me cry and not expect cuddles

Dad: Come here you little shit

Pete: Im telling mom you called me that

Dad: No cuddles for the child

Pete: Wait no-

**Group Chat by Peter**

  
  
Tony: my son is superior 

Bucky: ?

Tony: peterasleepontonysshoulder.jpeg

Bucky: !! is that peter

Tony: Yes

Sbeve: He definitely resembles you

Bucky: when i see that child i will ruffle his fluffy hair

Bucky: is it as soft as it looks?

Tony: Softer

Bucky: im adopting him thanks

Tony: hmm 

Tony: fine

Tony: Only because he needs a godfather still

Bucky: !!! amazing

  
  



	5. not me updating twice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was feelin productive so... here

Unknown number: johnny? im here man

Unknown number: dude where the fuck are you

Unknown number: fucking bastard

Peter: I don’t know who johnny is, but you have the wrong number

Peter: I don’t think he’d appreciate you calling him a bastard, though

Unknown number: fuck, sorry man

Unknown number: wait

Unknown number: are you a dude? 

Peter: idk lemme ask

Unknown number: uh

Unknown number: what

**Pete → Dad** **  
  
**

Pete: Am i a guy?

Dad: only if you want to be

Pete: chill

**Peter → Unknown number**

Peter: I am, in fact, a dude

Peter: I don’t really see how this is relevant

Unknown number: it isnt

Unknown number: i dont think

Peter: I see

Peter: well have fun with johnny ig

**Chat by Peter** **  
  
**

Peter: God I love frogs

Bucky: Did I tell you I run a frog meme page??

Peter: !!!

Peter: Send me Frog. 

Bucky: Omg ok wait

Bucky: frogwithhat.jpg

Peter: Oh Lord He Is Rather Thicc

Peter: I would love to kiss him oh-so-tenderly on his tiny frog lips.

Peter: And his tiny little HAT

Peter: Is that… Is that Dior?

Sbeve: I hate it here

Peter: What :((

Peter: Nooo :((((

Bucky: its ok

Bucky: i, for one, love it here

Tony: you would

Peter: old man

Peter: youre geriatric 

Bucky: im going 2 fight u

Bucky: square up, bitchboy 

Peter: Please, dad. Don’t make me stay here

Peter: It’s offensive that you’d put someone as pretty as me with somebody as vile and as cretinous as bucky, of all people

Bucky: HEY

Bucky: OK WHAT THE FUCK NO

Bucky: BASTARD YOU MADE THE CHAT

Peter: proof

Bucky: It legit says chat by peter

Peter: sounds fake

Tony: still want to adopt him Barnes?

Bucky: yes

Bucky: the bastardry makes it even better

Peter: i am a delight

Bucky: sure

Tony: sure

Sbeve: Sure.

Peter: stfu artifact ill eat ur bones 

Bucky: Peter

Peter: ye?

Bucky: any words of wisdom before i go to bed?

Peter:  God is dead and soon we will follow

Bucky: thank u problem child

Tony: pete….

Tony: im making u another appointment with amalyssa

Peter: ah shit

Sbeve: Who is Amalyssa?

Peter: my therapist :\

Peter: dad snitches to her whenever i “say something concerning”

Tony: stop saying vaguely threatening/concerning things

Peter: no

Peter: narc

Tony: who raised you

Peter: not you :p

Tony: ….

Tony: youre not wrong but you didn't have to say it

Peter: love youuu

Tony: sigh

Tony: ily2 demon child

Sbeve: demon?

Tony: that child knows too many personal details about god

Sbeve:?

Peter: me and god text when hes not too busy


End file.
